i learned something(s) from my 14 year old over the last two days.
i don’t remember a time (pre- fb) when i shared so much of my ‘every single minute’ with the world~or with anyone who also happened to be on fb at the same time, or even cared. but two nights ago, i wished my littlest girl, sophia, a happy birthday eve ~ on her fb wall. she promptly came into my office and asked me why i posted it. well, i responded, i was just wishing her a happy birthday early. she explained that she didn’t want anything about her birthday posted on her wall that night and in fact, she thought that i should have just told her in person, myself, instead of posting it on fb. after all, she was right there. i couldn’t utter a word because i was shocked at the bold truth of her statement. how true? when i could finally speak, i told her she was so right. she was right there, in her bedroom, right next to my office, real time…flesh and blood. i apologized and wished her an early happy birthday ~ in person. she sat down next to me and we talked. as the conversation lightened, i turned back to my computer and continued working while we were talking. she continued as i half listened while i tried to get one last thing finished for the night~she was on the floor with her legs on my lap trying to get me to stop tweaking the image in photoshop that i couldn’t tear my eyes away from instead of looking at her while she was speaking to me. then, like a splash of cold water, she said another thing that cut even deeper because i knew she was right and i had been secretly aware of it for quite some time. she pointed out, in a very conversational manner, that she’d noticed that i put everything else first. i didn’t need for her to explain what she meant by that because i knew exactly what she meant. i was horrified. i was outed. a jagged knife cut through my my mommy heart. i did the ultimate selfish. it hurt to hear the words come out of her mouth, it hurt a million times worse to know that she saw it, expressed it, but mostly, felt it. i looked her right in her big brown eyes, again, and told her she was right, again. i had taken on too much in the last 6 months or so that there weren’t enough hours in the day and so the days fed into the evenings and almost all the minutes in-between. everyday.
dare i say a switch flipped on and then off. a horrible scenario flashed in my mind…my children talking about their memories of growing up and their mom being so busy~ all the time, everywhere, everyday, wherever they went. the feeling that they were never as important as everyone or everything else that had to be done, to only be half way listened to and spoken to. it was wrenching. it didn’t matter that it was a rather recent scenario and that all the years up to then i felt confident that they would have happy recalls, but that this would overshadow the past and they would only remember how they felt now. we talked for a long time and i listened~fully. when i kissed her goodnight, i went to sleep too, exhausted and with a feeling of heaviness in my heart. that night i dreamed of flying~ so high and feeling so light, so free. i felt no fear. it was amazing, empowering. the next morning, the dream was still fresh in my mind and the feeling was so strong. i’ve never looked up the meaning of a dream, but on this morning, i did. i was happy and relieved at it’s meaning. i realize i still have so many things i’m working on, want and need to do, to create, to build…as a person, as an artist, but i was reminded of a quote i read from jackie kennedy about 10 years ago ~“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” i believe this too.
yesterday was sophia’s 14th birthday. from the time i woke up to the time i kissed her goodnight, i walked through my day with my eyes and heart wide open. i took the time to offer small, simple gestures towards all, but especially towards her. that made my heart happy and that made her feel loved, valued and special. simple gestures are possible to do every single day to make anyone around you feel that way. how wonderful for them and how wonderful for us. it may have been her birthday, but it was she who gave to me the best gift of all…a reminder to breathe, fully live in the moment and be grateful for the people who surround and love me. most especially, to see a happy, joy filled little girl know she is loved, valued and respected. thank you sophia. i believe it’s no accident your name means wisdom.
i didn’t photograph her formally or even anything with my real camera this year for her birthday day as i’ve done in the past, here and here. instead, it was an instagram kind of birthday day which i think fit perfectly with just enjoying all the little moments of her day as it unfolded, simply. aside from eating the double dark chocolate cake with both cream cheese and ganache icing…and with chocolate covered strawberries…my most cherished part of the day was when we were alone and i gave her my card which had a letter in it that i wrote to her earlier that day. things i wanted her to know about herself and the joy she had brought to us. my handwriting has gotten so bad, i ended up having to read it to her, which, of course, made me cry. the part i loved the most was that she paid full attention to me while i read the whole letter and then thanked me for it.
happy birthday my little boho girl.